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Mon, 11 Feb 2008 14:53:09 GMT

Hello people,

Does anyone here know who quellers is?

Come on, this is Oxford and a fandom person, one of you must do. Feel free to poke likely friends of yours towards this post.

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 18:46:40 GMT

HA HA HA HA TAKE THAT STUPID BLOODY NUMBER AFTER MY NAME

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 22:46:26 GMT

So you know when I said I could write a better column with my eyes closed?

Eventually I started wondering whether that was actually true.

In the end though I had to keep my eyes open.

Communicate. It's impossible to stress this one enough. Whole books have been written about how important this is and how to go about it - find them.

Read up on pregnancy and STI risks, testing, and avoidance so that you can be confident that the sex you're having is appropriately safe for you.

Lube is your friend. Buy upmarket stuff that you find pleasant to the touch and use it liberally. Even when you're not sure you need it.

Share your fantasies, and be open minded about your partner's.

At the same time, keep your own personal fantasy life alive. You're a sexual being independent of your relationship with your partner.

Don't worry about things having to be 'spontaneous'. It's okay to explicitly say that you want an evening of being pampered or of being dominant, and even set a date. Asking for it may not be how your fantasy goes, but that's real life for you.

Manual and oral sex are not necessarily 'just foreplay', they are sex, and there's no reason to stop enjoying them. They can be just as fun and satisfying as intercourse once you get past the idea that they should only ever be a prelude to more.

Toys are not just for solo use. Nor are they about to replace you in the bedroom. Buy good ones and use them well.

Absolutely everyone gets occasional sessions that just entirely fail for one reason or another. They're highly upsetting, but try not to worry about them all the same.

If ever there was a place to leave selfconsciousness behind and be silly and playful, it's in bed.

More for my own curiosity than anything else, but I thought I might as well put them here.

If I wasn't preaching to the choir I'd add more justification and explanation to most of them.

Zomg a post!

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 13:28:12 GMT

Here to spare my parents from having to contemplate what exactly I get up to in bed (or on the internets).

So today I noticed a copy of The Times' 'Body & Soul' section lying around. I know I shouldn't have read it, but, well, I did. It sometimes has very sensible, interesting stuff in it... this time it didn't. I'm not going go through all the things that annoyed me in the entire thing, instead, I will just give you what the cover said:

THE MAN ISSUE

How to be a modern male

Benefits of boozing with the boys
Eat takeaways and lose weight
The hypochondriac's check-list
Dylan Jones' fake tan
Are you a narcissist?

Any assumptions you make based on these 'headlines' are probably correct.

So now let's move on to the final page of this worthy establishment... the sex advice column, named 'AGONY AND ECSTASY'.

Now, this column's Thing is that not one but two people answer the questions. One is Dr Thomas Stuttaford, whose credential for giving sex advice is that he is a medical doctor who specialised in genito-urinary issues, and the other is Suzi Godson, who is, er... married, I think. And she's written a book about how to have good sex ('leaves no gland unturned', sayeth one review, which tells you just how much it taught the reader about basic anatomy). I think the idea is that we're supposed to find the contrast between their approaches to sex very revealing and so on.

Dr Stuttaford's advice is all about the medical side where possible, and thus tends to come across as a bit boring (although it's always 100% factually correct and up to date). His advice on non medical stuff is pretty good too. Suzi's columns on the other hand tend to be lengthy flights of fancy that only address the question in the final paragraph, and then do so with coy metaphors, sexist stereotypes and advice worthy of Cosmo. She drives me nuts.

Anyway. This week, to celebrate the Man Issue, instead of answering a specific question, each give ten 'top sex tips for men'. Dr Stuttaford's go something like: foreplay before you reach the bedroom, good hygene, eat and drink sensibly, use condoms, any signs of STIs mean no sex, and some reassurance about penis size/erection issues/days when you're not in the mood. No surprises there.

Suzi, however, is particularly outrageous this week.

1) There's no substitute for excitement. The range of lubricants on the market should never be used as a short cut.

Okay, so I admit that anything except a fanatic devotion to the wonders of lube gets my hackles up - people feel enough shame about using it as it is. But fine, whatever, seems like she's actually trying to say 'be turned on' which works for me.

2) Men have discovered that the key to female orgasm is clitoral stimulation, and many now rub the lamp rather than poking around inside it. The upside is that women are climaximg more often, but the increase in emphasis on genital manipulation has made for some very mechanical sex.

Errrrr... what? cite please. (heh... Godson, S, 'My Own Backside' London 2007).

3) Though clitoral orgasm is easy to achieve, most women want to experience penetrative orgasm. Intercourse is the ultimate connection between man and woman and the sensation of fullness that it creates is intensely pleasuarable.

Pardon me while I throw up for a bit. Okay, done.
Apart from the fact that not all women find it easy to come (even with clitoral stimulation!! zomg) I think all the statistics I've seen quote around 1/3 of women as able to come from penetration. Way to make the majority feel like they're weird and dysfunctional for being built that way, and men for being inadequate at making them come with the almighty power of their phallus. For heaven's sake, how many times do we need to debunk this before it goes the fuck away and leaves us alone?

4) Women are slow burners. They take longer to become aroused and get as much pleasure, if not more, out of tenderness, kissing and cuddling. Though quickie sex has its place, for women on the whole, the longer sex takes, the better it feels.

Excuse me, but wtf r u doin?
No, that second sentence has not been abridged by me, it just makes no sense.
How has this woman never had sex that went on for too long? of course there is such a thing. But let's not let a little thing like that get in the way of making people feel insecure about their performance.
She follows this with a couple of sensible sentences about delaying orgasm making them more powerful. Very true, but I think you'll find that it helps to be actively turned on for that to work. Not that I don't adore cuddling but give me a break, I'm not more aroused by cuddling than by sex!

5) Chopping and changing positions and techniques can make a woman's sexual excitement plummet

...
...

6) Thrusting for hours without climaxing doesn't make you a stud muffin. It does make the vagina numb and sore.

Ye gods, she said something that didn't make me scream!
But wait... doesn't that contradict #4 ('the longer sex takes, the better it feels') above? I think that means she only deserves half a brownie point.

7) Don't assume your partner is comfortable in her own skin. Be sensitive to her insecurities and, if you think that your partner looks great, for God's sake tell her.

...She's on a roll! Can she keep it up?

8) During fellatio, don't thrust into your partners mouth, and don't touch her head

Because we're all completely vanilla here, and unable to negotiate this kind of thing for ourselves! instead, Suzi Godson knows exactly how we ought to be having sex. Just follow the rules and you'll be fine!

9) Put a little X in your sex. Watching steamy movies with your partner will increase the chance that you will have sex.

I'm neutral about this one. It's not outright offensive, it's just a bit of a weird way to approach a large and often angst ridden issue.

10) Remember to take your socks off.

You are quite the wit, aren't you.

For fuck's sake. This stuff makes me so angry. I could do better than this - probably with my EYES CLOSED.

Times have changed...

Sat, 20 Nov 2004 17:06:54 GMT

they really have. Posted here instead of on my blog because it's not very grandparents-friendly, and is pretty much only for Oxford people to laugh at...

10 April 2004:

Dave just said I was oblivious to the innuendo...

(because his: so how many other times ahve I failed to notice?
Dave: um... 2 or 3, I think
Dave: it's not like I'm filling the conversation with innuendo or anything
(because his: not too bad, then :)
(because his: heh no
Dave: you're obviously just too innocent to take things the wrong way
(because his: is that a compliment?
(because his: either way, it's true. I alternate between being glad and being annoyed
Dave: yeah, I suppose so
Dave: it's also a shocking double-entendre, but there you go...
(because his: lol, I give up
(because his: finding them, that is
Dave: heh heh
Dave: to be honest, it's nice to speak to someone who isn't sniggering and thinking "heh heh - penis" all the time
(because his: good :)
(because his: wonder if I'll ever reach that stage...
Dave: make sure to tell me if you ever do...

...amazing, isn't it.

testing...

Thu, 27 May 2004 09:02:21 GMT

Testing... not actually gonna use this thing... my actual weblog is on my site.